Answers to Life, the Universe and Everything

We now know which came first.

(April 9, 2024) We now have answers to the age old questions of how the Universe started, and which came first. Definitely not the Egg. We now recognize that at least one young chicken and a pair of Oligarchs were here already, even before the Big Bang. Astrophysicists are still trying to characterize the chicken’s role, but know for a fact that the Oligarchs were busy doing God’s work, waiting for the chicken to lay its first egg. We even know where the Universe began (on the shores of Lake Washington east of Seattle) and where it will probably end (Florida apparently).

Everyone assumed that the James Webb Space Telescope was toast, after some Genius at NASA thought that it would be a good idea to point this piece of highly sensitive hardware at Texas during yesterday’s Great American Eclipse. They were spot-on regarding the Space Toast aspect. The once great JWST is now a melted blob of carbon fiber, doped-silicon microcircuitry and gold-coated beryllium orbiting safely far away from us at the Lagrange Point.

The researcher who came up with this “brilliant” idea has been arrested along with everyone in his department and placed on administrative leave, pending trial. This telescope and probably all telescopes should NEVER be pointed at the earth as it is simply too bright and full of itself. Don’t Look Down.

In the fleeting Brunnhilde-like microseconds before self-immolation, the JWST apparently photographed the Moment of Creation, even capturing a few microseconds of time before SpaceTime even existed. These important data were radioed to Earth and collected by the defunct Aricebo Observatory. NASA had assumed that this observatory, known best for its role in the James Bond movie GoldenEye, was long gone after the cables snapped in late 2020. Apparently the huge surge of energy containing these data briefly revived the equipment which sent automatic alerts to JPL and Livermore via the Deep Sky Network.

Once they figured out that these data were not yet another weekly ChatGPT/TikTok -derived Deep-Fake Prank, scientists decoded imagery of Bill Gates and Jeff Bezos, hanging out together on some lake frontage in Juanita with their young chicken, also named Juanita, plotting their post-ovulatory futures. After some uncomfortable squacking, the Big Bang manifested itself as an Huevic Singularity. Moments later, rapid expansion of the Universe and inflation created the Nest Eggs that both Oligarchs are famous for. Intense scrutiny of the imagery revealed that light and everything else is warped by their immeasurable oligarchic wealth. Oligarchs are now recognized as the primary component of Dark Matter.

The rest is history which sadly repeats itself and need not be explained.

Now that the universe has been sorted out, NASA has turned off all of the space telescopes as well as all of the ones on earth. No money will be wasted on carefully de-orbiting the space telescopes. Instead these large pieces of hardware will be allowed to fall on population centers unlucky enough to be in their orbital paths. The new policy will save billions of hard-earned tax payers’ dollars, which will now be directed towards necessary tax cuts for the wealthy and military spending.

The Universe will end when Oligarchs Gates and Mackenzie Scott allow their wealth to wink out of existence via donations to very worthy causes, while oligarchs Bezos and Elon Musk, along with the unsupportable weight of their hoarded wealth collapses Florida into the final Universe-ending Black Hole. That State of Existence is already on the precipice. Many are predicting the End Times to begin already on January 21, 2025.