BREAKING NEWS: AD-Inhibitor Cure for Long Covid developed in Lake Union lab
Controversies Erupt featuring Naked Protestors on Bicycles
(AAIA, Seattle) The popular Seattle-based pharmaceutical giant Akersoff-Bivalvia (1), the award-winning developer of the Cure for Covid known as Ivar’sMectin, has done it again. After a short but effective clinical trial in their North Lake Union laboratory, they have now released a new anti-derogatory inhibitor medication that will rid the body of Long Covid.
This amazing wonder drug, first designed as a pogonophoran tube-worm anti-parasitic, was developed by a scientific dream team consisting of lead researcher (and former Radioactive Boy Scout (6)) Roberto Donegali joined by Lourdes Toscanini (2), the head of Akersoff’s North Lake Union Laboratories near the University of Washington, where she teaches courses on developing drugs for the abyssal and dismal organisms of the deep ocean. The oceans are sick, after all.
After many unsuccessful attempts, the team successfully created this compound by grinding the Fraterculan rostrum calculi (3) scraped from the beaks of living male Tufted Puffins and related Auk species such as the Marbled Murrulet and Rhinoceros Auklet, in a permitted Catch and Release program managed by the US Department of Fish and Wildlife. The females of these species are left alone so as to not disturb their nests and inhibit their population growth. “We don’t want our species of Auks to go the way of the Great Auk!” said Toscanini. (5)
These ground scrapings are then infused with a molluscan exudate, combined with particularized Conservatae de Cucumis sativus and used as a non-toxic preservative and palliative instead of using the popular mercury found in most childhood vaccines. Not to be confused with the widely-used anti-inflammatory known as Meloxicam, this wonder drug has been labeled and patented as MaleaukSeaclam (pronounced “Male Auk sea Clam”). This is administered free of charge when receiving one’s booster dose of Ivar’sMectin. The researchers recommend combing both of their drugs when consumed for best results.
Double doses of Maleaukseaclam are frequently requested and recommended. Donegali mentioned that these are very good as a preventative, even if one has never had any form of Covid. The usual warnings of embarrassing seafood allergies do not apply to Maleaukseaclam, unless consumed with the Ivar’sMectin booster or any other seafood such as Smoked Uni. “Keep Clam and don’t be stupid!” said both scientists.
Unfortunately, this new drug has generated some controversy due to the brevity of clinical trials, and the growing political movement of vegan Antifaukkers and anti-Ivar’sMectin truthers from the west. To counter this distraction, Akersoff-Bivalvia, disguises MaleaukSeaclam in little cups innocently labeled as “Tartar Sauce” (7). So far this has successfully kept these meatless protestors at bay. Donegali and Toscanini both said strongly that they just want to get on with their research as normal, and not deal with the repetitive headache of these unclothed velocipedic Antifaukkers every summer solstice, usually on Saturdays. It is indeed unfortunate that both drugs are now highly politicized.
“When these antifaukkers arrive, I yell at them and tell them to go back where they came from: Fremont!” complained Donegali. Fremont, and to a lesser extant Ballard and Wallingford are the ground zeroes of the increasingly widespread vegan Antifaukker Movement. Surprisingly, the smarter Antifaukkers break with their fellow protestors, discreetly requesting doses of both Ivar’sMectin and MaleaukSeaclam. Akersoff-Bivalvia compassionately treats these people like everyone and efficiently administers doses of both drugs for the same charge as everyone else, without question.
Idar Slothaug, the former spokesperson for Akersoff-Bivalvia, who was forced to resign after an internal audit revealed that he was repeatedly abusing Ivar’sMectin became one of the instigators, and went on to recruit new members for the Antifaukker movement. When asked if they and their protestors would be back, they replied that they will return on June 17th of this year, since the Solstice is on a Wednesday and its likely to be raining. They and the others would return as usual, unclothed and covered in a naked protest of body paint and glitter, while commuting by bicycle. (5)
Everyone is encouraged to get these cures for Covid and Long Covid. Their “Ivar” clinics are wide spread throughout the Seattle Metropolitan area and are usually open from 10AM until 11PM. There is no need to bring a vaccine card. Out of State and foreign citizens are allowed to receive doses. However, the Government ran out of funding for this program. Thus there will be a modest charge, especially with the congressional Debt Ceiling fight about to crash the economy.