RingoBlahburbia
Eclipse Tourists from Outer Space
Welcome to Blahburbia!
This scene was actually down in Allyn, WA about 15 miles south of Bremerton. The sea lions have also started using the platform at the end of the pier in Suquamish as their new haul out location, along with someone’s private dock at Port Madison. Apparently the Transient Orcas live up to their “Killer Whale” name and eat these and other marine mammals, after playing with their food long enough to scare the shit out of them. Apparently a few swam under the docks - making everybody nervous.
These cetaceans have forgotten about “Long Pork” for now.
Years ago a former partner and I had been watching the large Harbor Seal haul-out at MacKerricher State Park. This has been in the news recently with a mystery solved:. See https://www.sfgate.com/local/article/coyotes-decapitating-seals-northern-california-20183166.php
I talk in my sleep. In the middle of the night in the middle of an aquatic dream I blurted out “You know, I think they should move all of the Seals to Berkeley, and rename it Blah-Burbia!” We both woke up laughing and that name is now what I call every seal and sea lion haul out. We didn’t get any more sleep that night.
So I was thinking about the Canote Brothers’ “Spoonopleans” and realized that I had my own fictional planet. Thus I have made a few adjustments on the Opera Quartet synopsis below. I also have a label for the entire cycle: RingoBlahburbia as in a Ring of the Blahburbians. This rolls off the tongue better than RingoNibelungs.
I no longer need to use their creation but I sure would like to get one of Jere’s fretless banjos!
Sittin’ at the dock on the bay, bowing bubbles…
RingoBlahBurbia Synopsis (Version March 13. Now with less typos)
The Eclipse of Love
(the name sounds like The Elixer of Love by Donizetti. He and I were both born on November 29. So Bite me).
Space tourists Ray and Kirk who are from Planet BlahBurbia are on earth to see the Great American Eclipse. Dr. Carole, the famous Blind Astronomer who won the Nobel for figuring out what Dark Matter consists of, is watching the eclipse with her students. Two women (Gretta Tee and Proberta Gerber) and are getting married at the peak of the event, with the outrageous New Age Minister Falconburger (backstory below) performing the ceremony. Falconburger assumes everyone there is willing to listen to him (the wedding party is very small) and crowdsplains his twisted and obscene description of the celestial event. Dr. Carole intervenes, and stresses the natural beauty of the fact if this coincidence is what makes it so special. Falconburger and Carole get into a heated argument and he storms off to go get high on Q-Anon Kush. Greta and Proberta are anxious as the shadow bands have arrived. They have just minutes! Or less!
Dr. Carole saves the day ends up performing the service and then later absconds with the Aliens spaceship, stranding Ray and Kirk who have been hanging out like a Greek chorus! They are a bit freaked out as they as ponder “Now what are we going to do?” The women are happily married. Finally Falconburger shows up asking if he missed anything important.
(Note: in this story Dark Matter is the Collective Hubris of All Sentient Beings from Protozoa to Politicians. It follows them as a plume that only Dr. Carole can see as she can see in all spectrums and several unknown dimensions - except for the visible spectrum. This was due to the bit of experimental gene splicing with a bit of Brittlestar DNA. The Hubris follows everyone like a fart in a bookstore - and was most noticeable behind her College Advisor who tried to claim her research as his own.)
The Subduction of Salvelinus
This is my spoof of the Malheur occupation. The BlahBurbian space tourists Ray and Kirk have become fisheries biologists and are watching an event about to unfold where Finnicum Bundy and his gang of KQluingalongs (derived from the words Klingon and QAnon) are about to drain the last of the water out of Cascade (Klamath) Lake to water the illegal Pot Bellied Longhorns who eat nothing but QAnon Kush. The steaks from these will make you want to eat more and more as the THC content is extreme.
Meanwhile, in the lake itself (underwater) the last of the native Pouty Suckerfish and for some reason a giant freshwater Thai stingray named Sting (why she happens to be there will be revealed) are waiting for the arrival of the very last two endangered Cascade Salmon to spawn: Salvelinus and Dolly Varden. The thing is that the pouty suckers usually eat the eggs . Because of the Endangered status, these salmon eggs will be in short supply (with references to our current egg shortages). The pouty suckers have to find something else to eat and respect the two salmon. Salvelinus and Dolly show up totally into each other and remain oblivious to the drama until the very end - and only for a moment.
The lake is drying up and the fish witness the drama onshore. Then Sting, the giant freshwater stingray from Thailand, sings her tragic story of being abducted, flown acriss the Pacific and then used as a plaything for Finnicum and the Bundy Boys, who would dare each other to swim with her and not get stung. Ray and Kirk are distracted by this anomalous fish, realizing that they have to somehow deal with this soon as winter is coming.
The salmon obliviously continue singing about fishy love and lust. Finnicum is about to open the valve to drain the lake after a huge dramatic buildup. Sting sees her opportunity for revenge and nails him right in the crotch, killing him but not instantly (his death will take about 10 minutes of intense and very funny overacting - based on the twitchy Dr. Bartolo from the Barber of Seville).
Finnicum is dragged off by two women officers - Deputy Chief Tee and Staff Seargent Gerber. They kind of recognize Ray and Kirk from their wedding - they think - which causes discomfort. Tee is really hungry and sneaks a bite of some of the Pulled Pot-Bellied Longhorn Carnitas out of the big catering pot for the protestors. This will have consequences….
Meanwhile, Ray and Kirk are tracking the salmon and worried about getting the Stingray back to Thailand. The Cops who have been waiting in the background arrest all the KQluingalongs and drag off the moaning Finnicum who is not quite dead actually. He goes through another even funnier death scene, with Ray and Kirk being the Doctors in the house. They discover that the THC-infused meat is preventing his death.
As the KQluingalongs are marched off Ray and Kirk are cleaning up the mess. Suddenly, Salvelinus sticks his head out like Gunter Grass’s Flounder and says to Ray and Kirk "Hey You Guys!"
They respond "Holy Shit! A Talking Salmon!!!"
Sal continues "Why is the water getting hotter?" R & K respond "Its our fault!" Sal says "Do something about already!" R & K exit somberly singing "We're trying....we're trying...we're trying!"
Finally Sal and Dolly sing the final love duet "We'll Spawn till we Die!" (used with permission of Ray Troll)
Note that Ray and Kirk are based on my friends Ray Troll of Spawn till you Die fame and our mutual friend Kirk Johnson, who began as a Seattle Creationist - and became a great Paleobotanist and now the director of the National Museum of Natural History (Smithsonian) in Washington DC. I met Kirk through mutual friends in the Northwest Paleo Association based at the Burke Museum, just before he headed off to college. Ray and Kirk are tickled and amused that they might be immortalized in an opera that will never be performed.
MELTDOWN at Bodega Bay: Well instead of the Hole in the Head, the Nuclear plant that PG&E wanted to build there right on top of the San Andreas Fault in the 1970s was actually completed in this story line. This nuclear plant is barely functioning, held together with bailing wire and duct tape. The fault and the reactor itself are acting up badly. Our brave heroes from BlahBurbia Ray and Kirk are there, knowing what is about to happen and they are trying to intervene from the inside as Engineers. After the Cascade Lake fiasco they went off and found another job. Protestors are outside making a loud ruckus - or in the private jail off the control room. Chief of Police Gerber is their jailor. Surprisingly, Greta Tee is one of the jailed protestors and is no longer in law enforcement. It was the Pulled Longhorn Carnitas that precipitated this! Apparently the two women had a falling out over this and now hate each other.
The offices of Johnny Watt-Hour, the owner of PGE and his love, the director of the Atomic Energy Commission Dixy Lee Radiation are adjacent, separated by a Revolving door. Watt-Hour introduces himself singing a Donizetti-fied version of a local Pacific Northwest anti-nuclear song called Mutations. (Doherty, Compton and Fletcher):
”Let’s build us a Nuclear Reactor!
A Gift of Technology!
It will increase your Quality of Life factor!
And make more Electricity!
Well, we’ll find a nice spot, not too far outta town. A place with some rivers and trees.
We’ll supply electric power, to the folks all around, with a hidden surprise on the breeze. “
(Refrain)
”Mutations! What’s Mutations?
Mutations is, the screwing up of Chromosomes
from Atomic Radiation.
Mutations is, our money at work!”
(there are 2 more verses)
Ray and Kirk have infiltrated the nuke plant as engineers and are trying to shut it down from the inside. Gretta Tee, the leader of the protesters, is the heroine activist who at the darkest and most intense moment sings of the trauma that we are subjecting our planet to and in the operatic arc this will be the most intense dramatic peak (note that this particular opera will be a stylistic mashup of something like The Barber of Seville combined with the serious HBO Series Chernobyl. Dyatlov et al will be in attendance!). The music in her great aria comes crashing down at the most intense - and then soft shimmering stratospheric muted violins and flutes playing PPP offer hope as she softly and slowly sings a song of hope for us all (and a very important musical quote!):
"Here comes the Sun.....Here comes the Sun.....Here comes the SUN (cadenza), then the full orchestra supports her last statement. This will repeat once more followed by the 35 minute standing ovation as the audience - and composer - dry their tears (I need a moment. Gets me every time!). They will probably make her sing it again.
Finally the quake causes a near meltdown, the protesters escape, Johnny and Dixie are arrested for questioning by the KGB (this part will be during our horrid current regime). Ray and Kirk, along with Dyatlov’s help save the day just before the nuke would melt down.
The Fountain of Quantum Youth
America gets treated to yet another Great American Eclipse with Falconberger, several couples including Johnny and Dixy - now out of jail - getting married. Greta and Proberta are now both out of Law Enforcement and have reconciled and are renewing their vows for a 2nd try.
Ray and Kirk are a little of bent out about this. On BlahBurbia, their species requires a quintet of 5 gender-fluid participants to procreate successfully and this is what they long for, feeling their biological clocks ticking away. They lament their getting marooned while singing sad songs of Complicated Unrequited Polyamory. Note the call each other “Number One”, “Number Two” etc.
Suddenly, Dr. Carole the Blind Astronomer shows up in the newly refurbished spaceship that she had absconded. She's had a makeover as well and she has this hot dude named Poncy with her (Juan Ponce de Leon).
Carole reveals to Ray and Kirk that she too is a Blahburbian, and that Poncy - as it turns out - is another BlahBurbian! Poncy was a victim of Alien Abduction on their Home Planet and abandoned on Earth (note that nobody in the universe would ever consider abducting Humans who are referred to by Blahburbians as Ugly Bags of Mostly Water) !
Poncy was abandoned by his captors on Earth way back in the 16th century. He instinctively went looking for a “Fountain of Youth” Portal that would return him to BlahBurbia somewhere in Florida, thinking he may have found it at a place called PhartoLiarGo. He was rescued by the Blind Astronomer whose purpose here on earth was to figure out what became of him as he was her Number One back in Deep Time. This is why she had to abscond with the space ship to make this happen (how she arrived on Earth is never explained).
And of course, Falconburger gets into heated arguments with all the couples getting married who are all laughing at his absurdities. He storms off to get stoned on Q-Anon Kush and some Pulled Pot Bellied Longhorn Meat (for the reception - it now being wildly popular and legalized) - as before. Carole is there to take over in the nick of time right at the beautiful climax of the eclipse.
People are amazed that she is always prepared to rescue these weddings with her Universal Mail Order Ministry Card. She says this type of thing happens at Every Eclipse that she attends and it turns out she goes to all of them and not just on Earth. Nobody catches on that she is not from this world as they are all getting high on the PPL (Pulled Pot-bellied Longhorn). The big reception with the huge cake is underway and the four Space Aliens decide to go off planet and search for their Number as they are all suffering from Complicated Unrequited Polyamory. The Q-Anon Kush just doesn’t cut it as a cure!
Falconberger stumbles in - and of course in stereotypical fashion - crashes into the big wedding cake and destroys it which makes everyone laugh. The four BlahBurbians discover something amazing about Falconburger at this moment however. The BlahBurbians scoop him up and away from the Maddening Crowd (the PPL is wearing off apparently) after realizing to their shock and horror that he too is yet another BlahBurbian victim of Alien Abduction. They promise each other that they will treat him with gentle love and kindness and rehabilitate him - and make him their Number 5. This is how things are done on their home world. Not like some other places…
Each opera should run about 72 minutes in length, according to the late composer Tomáš Svoboda, and performed in two or four evenings (the latter approach will cost more!)
The music will be very Donizetti-ish with a lots of other stuff (including the Musicians of Mystery, Gaita music, Wagner and Verdi, early 20th century whole-step Romanticism, Straussian waltzes and Nixon in China all thrown in. This music is living like Junior’s brain worm in my head waiting for the screenplay (libretto) to happen.
Falconburger's backstory: All resemblance to anyone living in Eugene is purely coincidental. Falconburger seemed to be a perfectly normal baby boomer who played a style of "slap dulcimer" (this is tantamount to instrument abuse - and will be demonstrated by the singer playing him on-stage) living in Eugene. He only started going feral when he ran out of money while bike touring through Central Oregon, and decided to fend off starvation by eating a slightly over-ripe road-killed Peregrene Falcon and developed an incurable disease called Peregrinosis (also known as "Pilgrim's Disease" - apparently the medieval monks suffered from this!) which gave him these wild and epic New age visions. He became very popular at the Oregon Country Faire. He never realizes that he too is from another planet.