A Comic Opera in One Act
Synopsis
Staging: A tiny park sits next to the highway on the northeastern shore of Klamath Lake Oregon. A dammed up irrigation ditch in the park goes off to the GG Cattle Ranch, run by Farmer Grass from Germany. No water is flowing into the ditch as the lake is at its lowest level in decades. The stage is split into Onshore and Underwater.
(Underwater) The ancient Lake Sucker Fish and leader of his kind Deltistes instructs the other fish NOT to eat any of the eggs of the arriving Salmon. Usually these suckers feast on the eggs followed by the spawned out fish but these are the last two of their kind due to forces beyond their control. The other fish sing in chorus that they will leave the salmon eggs alone, but will feast on the salmon corpses. "Whatever" says Deltistes.
Suddenly the fish scatter when an allochthonous Fresh Water Stingray named Lady Pota Motrygon arrives. She is pissed, asking “Where is that Rat? I can smell him a mile away!”
Deltistes ponders this and interviews her but she is too angry to repond.
(Onshore) A pair of fisheries biologists arrive. Kirk-Ian ("Kirkie" or "Quirky") Smithson and Ray Trollart are preparing for disaster as a large protest led by the notorious Finnicum ("Finny") Bundy are on their way. The Feds will also arrive hopefully to keep the guns from going off.
Ray spots a large freshwater stingray (Pota) that is normally found in Asia. He points it out to Kirk who says “We’re going to have to catch that one and kill it!” until Ray points out that this fish species is also highly endangered. Kirk says “Well then we’ll catch it and any others and rescue it - if we can! I have heard that this aggressive species will kill you in an instant, just like Steve Irwin!” Ray, holding his Waders says “I guess we won't be needing these today. We need to put signs all around the lake to warn everyone!” Kirk say “Not today! Finnicum is arriving!"
(Underwater) The shy suckers have returned as Deltistes hears Pota’s sad story. She tells of being kidnapped by some redneck asshole (Finnicum!), flown across an impossibly huge ocean, and plopped into the very same asshole’s swimming pool and repeatedly harassed. He would dare his friends to go swim with her but she was drugged by the Chlorine and the dogfood diet, and could never strike. She wondered if she would ever return to her family and home. Then the asshole disposes of her, plopping her in a lake where she can find little to eat except a few weeds and clams. She can tell that its going to get too cold for her to survive winter soon!
(Onshore) In grand fashion Finnicum arrives with his cohort of gun toting and flag waving thugs. They sing about the virtues of the QAnon Kush -fed Longhorn Cattle grown next door on the GG Ranch. Finnicum reveals that he's the one that has been feeding them this treat, secretly without the farmer's knowledge and gets away with it! He and his chorus sing that the Water is their Public Right and those QAnonCattle are going to Starve if they don’t water those fields of QAnon Kush. "Its time to Open Up the Sluices! So the Cows can get the Juices!"
The Feds arrive and keep a safe distance. They are eager to go in and arrest everyone before the protestors have a chance to do anything, such as draining the lake. Ray and Kirk tell them to hold their position and say “These Proud Boys will have a Surprise if and when they step in the water to open that Gate” without revealing what is coming.
(Underwater) The salmon, the last of their species Salvelinus and Salvelina arrive, oblivious to the various dramas and deeply in love. Hormones are flowing and intensifying. They spot the Suckers - unaware that these other fish feast on their eggs followed by their rotting corpses - and ponder how anyone could live an existence requiring “Doing It” repeatedly year after year. Its best to "Spawn till you Die!" they sing
Meanwhile the Suckers snicker amongst themselves laughing at the naive salmon - unaware of what happens to the their offfspring and eventually the salmon themselves. And how tasty they are! They also snicker about a species that would mate only once in its lifetime. No wonder they are going extinct!
Deltistes tells the other Suckers to stop disrespecting the Salmon. He alerts them to the onshore drama (thinking Fishermen have arrived) and they swim off to deeper waters. Deltistes stays with Pota so she has a shoulder to cry on. Deltistes points out that fish have no or several shoulders depending upon their fin arrangement whereas Pota has a shoulder for the ages. She bursts out in tears - missing her offspring who would be clinging onto her shoulderish back like Remoras. The Remorse of Remoras!
This turns into anger when she spots Finnicum onshore.
(Onshore) The intensifying scene heats up as the “moment” approaches. The Feds inches closer and the crowd gets intense. Its a pressure cooker. Ray and Kirk are simply observing all of this as it is too dangerous to intervene and they again spot Pota. “Should we warn them?” Kirk asks? Cool-headed, Ray says “No, Captain.”
Kirk says "Ah! The Prime Directive." Ray says "Precisely, Captain!"
Farmer Grass arrives, speaking with his German accent. The scientists have worked with him. Grass says that he isn't any part of and wants no part of this protest. He’s doing fine and just sold off his herd actually and he's moving to the Coast. "There's a Boat that's leaving Soon for Coos Bay!" he sings. The cows for some unknown reason were becoming lethargic. He's out of the business and now Vegetarian and will give a big donation to the Save the Lake efforts. He hates the protestors and says “I didn’t ask for any of this! I paid my taxes and followed the rules. Am I in trouble for minding my own business?”
Finnicum gives his speech about Private Property, States Rights, and how the Feds should be tax-gutted out of existence and drowned in a bathtub. At the climax he steps into the water, turns the crank so he can drain the lake of its water.
(Underwater) Pota recognizes Finnicum and arms herself. Deltistes stands at her side. Curious the suckers return to watch. Salvelinus and Salvelina remain oblivious, punctuating the drama with their persistent love duet etc.
Finally Pota moves in for the kill!
(Onshore and Underwater) Finnicum ends his speech and steps into the brink, and grabs the crank wheel and opens it. Just as he finishes Pota attacks him and nails him in the crotch.
Pota is confused as Finny should die instantly. Instead, Finnicum takes an entire (hilarious) farewell aria to expire (imagine Kevin Burdette singing this!). The other protestors are horrified and start to disburse as the Feds start arresting them for trespassing. Ray and Kirk want to rush in to save the lake - but Grass says “ Don’t worry! Anticipating this I blocked up the culvert under the highway with concrete. That water isn’t going anywhere for a long time: forever! Ray and Kirk plot to catch the stingray the next day and return her to her home.
Deltistes explains to Pota that its probably the cold or the Chlorine or just being too far from the tropics. She will get her Stinger back! He recognizes the biologists who look at her and says “Be nice to those two. I can tell they will help you. They are saving us. They feed us all winter when we are starving and have hearts of gold!” She is now hopeful.
The Salmon have remained oblivious. Still singing their love duet etc. But then Salvelinus suddenly notices Grass, Ray and Kirk and sticks his head out of the water and says “Hey you guys!”
Kirk is amazed and says “Look at that! A talking fish!” Grass says “I though only Flounders could speak!” Ray says “Apparently not, Gunter!” Grass says “I’ve always wanted to write a sequel based in America!”
Salvelina speaks up “We have a question!”
The men respond “Okay…..”
The fish both ask “Why is the water getting so hot?”
Ray responds sadly “That would be our fault…”
Salvelinus says “Well, please do something about that soon!”
The men sadly sing “We’re trying We’re trying! We’re trying!” and head back to the Farm for dinner
Salvelinus and Salvelina are entwined singing “We’ll Spawn till we Die!” as the other fish sing a soothing chorus for them in the background and the opera ends.