Acres of Cures

Day 4 of Quarantine

BREAKING NEWS!!!! The popular Seattle-based pharmaceutical giant Akersoff-Bivalvia , a spinoff of a local restaurant chain announced today that its popular Horse Clam -dewormer, known as Ivar's-mectin, is now in clinical trial. They are measuring its effectiveness in treating the Delta and other Riparian variants. Although the basic recipe for this wonder drug is kept secret, the FDA knows that its manufacture involves breading, salting and deep frying deactivated pelecypoda, cephalopoda and pisciids.

The trial participants, numbering in the millions and ranging in age from picky-toddler who can gum it before swallowing, to the elderly of 125+ years age who can gum it before swallowing, are encouraged to add randomized quantities of egg-based and solanaceous additives to further enhance effectiveness, not to mention end user-ability and commercial acceptance. They recommend taking Ivar's-mectin on an empty stomach with carbonated liquids, and waiting several hours before any other substance is ingested. A second dose of Ivar's-mectin, however, may be taken immediately as desired for those who do not know when to quit. The FDA chose not to monitor its addictiveness potential.

Because of the emergency, there is no wait for FDA approval, according to spokesperson Idar Slothaug. They mentioned that this drug is widely available in Puget Sound only where anyone can receive Ivar's-mectin doses in any quantity for a modest sliding-scale fee, and as often as they want, free of any scheduling hassles except waiting in line with the usual masking and social distancing requirement. They has frequently dosed themself with Ivar's-mectin with no ill-effect and enjoys it. 

Frequent booster doses are highly recommended. Insurance is not required. Given that this drug is not expected to go beyond clinical trial, it will never be covered by Medicare or ObamaCare depending upon the effectiveness of one's accountant. The only known side effects are sudden irreversible weight gain for most, for which there is no cure. Occasionally stomach aches, inability to fall asleep or flatulence with a high volatile ratio will occur but these are considered benign symptoms. People with shellfish allergies should avoid Ivar's-mectin as they often have a similar and severe reaction to seafoods, often fatal and socially embarrassing. 

Some patients may refuse this due to Religious exemption. The Government is not expected to mandate Ivar's-mectin, despite the bills repeatedly introduced by Senators Cantwell and Murray to require it, especially in school lunch programs. Most figure the mandate would not be necessary as there is no lobby against it, except for the Environmentalists who claim that the source materials for this wonder drug are limited, not endless. Slothaug mentioned that they and corporations simply know better. 

The clinics are wide spread throughout the Seattle Metropolitan area and are usually open from 10AM until 11PM.


SUNDAY UPDATE: Akersoff-Bivalvia has been subsumed by BMI (Beer Milkshake International), which is now taking over every other known alternative cure for Covid. Unfortunately the Lawyers are involved. Fortunately AB and BMI are well represented by the law firm Acres of Claims and everyone is keeping clam. This will be discussed in the future as soon as the lawyers give the go ahead. They is still trying to confirm a few facts, though they knows them to be true.

ANOTHER UPDATE: We just want to point out the correct use of the pronoun and derivatives of “they” in the above article. Get used to speaking this way.